This isn't directly video game related, although at the moment I know I'm eagerly awaiting Episode 3 of Telltale's The Walking Dead, so it's not like zombies never get mentioned around here.
The annual Flint (Michigan) Zombie Walk is coming up -- this year it's benefiting the Michigan School for the Deaf, and to help promote the event my friend and collaborator Dan Gerics has put together a music video for a song we wrote a few years ago. It's Zombie Slayer!
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Games From the Slush Pile: Fearless
Once upon a time, National Lampoon magazine's True Facts section occasionally ran a feature called "Lines from the Slush Pile," reprinting awful chunks of text, from efforts submitted by real would-be writers to an anonymous editor's submissions stack.
The newfangled world of Kickstarter lets everybody have a look at the slush pile, and I just had to share this well-intentioned but unlikely-to-be-funded posting:
If you can't read the image, the description for FEARLESS informs us that it's:
Don't we all get enough of that in real life?
The newfangled world of Kickstarter lets everybody have a look at the slush pile, and I just had to share this well-intentioned but unlikely-to-be-funded posting:
If you can't read the image, the description for FEARLESS informs us that it's:
"A 3d action game with different obstacles and different worlds that the character must face in order to become the ultimate worrier."
Don't we all get enough of that in real life?
Friday, September 2, 2011
In Which I Am Easily Amused
Another brief post to help me get through crunch time. I keep looking for an appropriate context in which to bring up this personal mondegreen, and having been unsuccessful for a few years, I'm just going to write about it now.
You see, I can never hear Alanis Morissette's song You Oughta Know without mishearing a particular lyric as follows...
Ah, 1980s nostalgia. When Alanis Morisette was still on Nickelodeon's You Can't Do That On Television, and arcades were still free of ticket redemption counters.
(FYI, the lyric actually refers to Mr. Duplicity. But I like my version better.)
You see, I can never hear Alanis Morissette's song You Oughta Know without mishearing a particular lyric as follows...
Did you forget about me?
Mr. Do?
Mr. T?
Ah, 1980s nostalgia. When Alanis Morisette was still on Nickelodeon's You Can't Do That On Television, and arcades were still free of ticket redemption counters.
(FYI, the lyric actually refers to Mr. Duplicity. But I like my version better.)
Friday, April 1, 2011
Of Import: Mario's Love Hotel
Video game giant Nintendo got its start decades before such things existed, producing decks of playing cards and conventional toys, and, though this is rarely mentioned in the official histories, operating a chain of "love hotels" in Japan, with rooms rented by the hour.
Nintendo even released this rare and highly collectible game for the 8-bit Famicom, honoring the seedier side of Mario's corporate roots; it was, for obvious reasons, never released for the US Nintendo Entertainment System:
Mario has to keep the condom machines stocked:
And keep the pay-per-view porn operating by shooing the ducks off the closed-circuit television lines:
And change the sheets between customers so the rooms can be rented out again. And keep Donkey Kong the bouncer happy so he'll roust belligerent customers and drunken prostitutes. And make sure Pauline and Princess Peach and Stanley the Bug Man don't find out about each other.
And yes, it is April 1st, 2011.
Nintendo even released this rare and highly collectible game for the 8-bit Famicom, honoring the seedier side of Mario's corporate roots; it was, for obvious reasons, never released for the US Nintendo Entertainment System:
Mario has to keep the condom machines stocked:
And keep the pay-per-view porn operating by shooing the ducks off the closed-circuit television lines:
And change the sheets between customers so the rooms can be rented out again. And keep Donkey Kong the bouncer happy so he'll roust belligerent customers and drunken prostitutes. And make sure Pauline and Princess Peach and Stanley the Bug Man don't find out about each other.
And yes, it is April 1st, 2011.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Yeah, Baby! Whirl That Thing!
This is a boss description, taken from Nintendo's manual for the NES game Kung Fu (based on Irem's arcade hit, Kung Fu Master.)
I mention it only because, back in the early days of the NES, it never failed to make my brother and I laugh like idiots when read aloud:
Remember the Boy Scout motto, kids: Always be prepared.
I mention it only because, back in the early days of the NES, it never failed to make my brother and I laugh like idiots when read aloud:
Remember the Boy Scout motto, kids: Always be prepared.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Play Ball, Ya Cark Wholes!
I recently spent a little time playing the Japanese baseball title Power League II for the PC Engine. It's not a particularly remarkable game -- the original Power League came to the US as World Class Baseball for the TurboGrafx-16, and the improvements in this second edition are minor. It's competent, standard stuff typical of the era.
Gameplay is straightforward -- swing with a button, pitch with D-pad and buttons, field and throw the ball to one of the four bases using the D-pad. Joysticks and D-pads have always mapped well to the baseball diamond, so there's nothing new here.
The only thing halfway remarkable about Power League II is that much of the game is in English, and the fictional teams are given invented English names and logos that are... um... rather interesting. They're definitely not Japanese, but they're not quite English either.
The logos don't always give the full names away -- we don't see those until we get to the setup screens and the scoreboards. The general impression is that these teams are sponsored like Little League, by local manufacturers with very limited product lines:
And while it's one thing to see a game pitting the Buffers against the Litons, or the G-Jans versus the Straws... this pairing is altogether more evocative:
I like to think that the Japanese development team happened across a jovial Englishman in a Tokyo bar late one night and pressed him for assistance in naming the teams. And perhaps after a few drinks, he decided to have a little fun at their expense.
It's an honorable enough joke.
After all, the Carks and the Wholes have been banging away at each other for millennia.
Gameplay is straightforward -- swing with a button, pitch with D-pad and buttons, field and throw the ball to one of the four bases using the D-pad. Joysticks and D-pads have always mapped well to the baseball diamond, so there's nothing new here.
The only thing halfway remarkable about Power League II is that much of the game is in English, and the fictional teams are given invented English names and logos that are... um... rather interesting. They're definitely not Japanese, but they're not quite English either.
The logos don't always give the full names away -- we don't see those until we get to the setup screens and the scoreboards. The general impression is that these teams are sponsored like Little League, by local manufacturers with very limited product lines:
And while it's one thing to see a game pitting the Buffers against the Litons, or the G-Jans versus the Straws... this pairing is altogether more evocative:
I like to think that the Japanese development team happened across a jovial Englishman in a Tokyo bar late one night and pressed him for assistance in naming the teams. And perhaps after a few drinks, he decided to have a little fun at their expense.
It's an honorable enough joke.
After all, the Carks and the Wholes have been banging away at each other for millennia.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Unreleased: Shaun Cassidy's Teeny Bopper
Back in the late 1970's, Shaun Cassidy was the hottest male pop star, television actor and locker pinup around. So it's no surprise that K-Tel's Xonox label licensed his name and sort-of-likeness for an Atari 2600 videogame, slated for release in the summer of 1983.
Shaun Cassidy's Teeny Bopper was finished but never released, mostly due to bad timing -- Cassidy's last pop hit was released in 1980, his Hardy Boys television series wrapped up that same year, and Data Age's Journey Escape was already on the market and not doing particularly well. The game was planned as a girl-friendly counterpart to Chuck Norris Superkicks for one of Xonox's odd "double-ender" cartridges, but was replaced at the last minute with Artillery Duel. The game was believed lost for many years, until a prototype ROM recently surfaced at an Ohio record collectors' auction.
If anything, the game was too realistic, seemingly inspired by Cassidy's real life as opposed to his celebrity image. The actor/singer married in 1979, which may explain why the gameplay was similar to whack-a-mole, with a mallet-wielding Cassidy fending off the advances of his adoring teen-aged fans as they rose, zombie-like, from holes in the ground:
Points were earned for every broken heart, with the game speeding up as play progressed. Higher difficulty levels forced Cassidy to dodge critical brickbats dropped from above; a rumored Parker Stevenson sprite is nowhere to be seen in the final build. The game also features background music, a rarity on the 2600; unfortunately, it's an annoying one-note rendition of the chorus from Cassidy's first pop hit, a cover of Da Doo Ron Ron, played ad nauseam on a short loop.
It's possible that a Shaun Cassidy game could have been a hit if it had come to market when the 2600 was also young and entrancing. But the hardware could muster only a faint, muddy likeness of Cassidy's bucktoothed grin, feathered hairdo, and caterpillar eyebrows, and by the time the idea came to fruition, pop culture had moved on.
It's a pity, really; almost like a sad April Fool's joke.
Don't you think?
Shaun Cassidy's Teeny Bopper was finished but never released, mostly due to bad timing -- Cassidy's last pop hit was released in 1980, his Hardy Boys television series wrapped up that same year, and Data Age's Journey Escape was already on the market and not doing particularly well. The game was planned as a girl-friendly counterpart to Chuck Norris Superkicks for one of Xonox's odd "double-ender" cartridges, but was replaced at the last minute with Artillery Duel. The game was believed lost for many years, until a prototype ROM recently surfaced at an Ohio record collectors' auction.
If anything, the game was too realistic, seemingly inspired by Cassidy's real life as opposed to his celebrity image. The actor/singer married in 1979, which may explain why the gameplay was similar to whack-a-mole, with a mallet-wielding Cassidy fending off the advances of his adoring teen-aged fans as they rose, zombie-like, from holes in the ground:
Points were earned for every broken heart, with the game speeding up as play progressed. Higher difficulty levels forced Cassidy to dodge critical brickbats dropped from above; a rumored Parker Stevenson sprite is nowhere to be seen in the final build. The game also features background music, a rarity on the 2600; unfortunately, it's an annoying one-note rendition of the chorus from Cassidy's first pop hit, a cover of Da Doo Ron Ron, played ad nauseam on a short loop.
It's possible that a Shaun Cassidy game could have been a hit if it had come to market when the 2600 was also young and entrancing. But the hardware could muster only a faint, muddy likeness of Cassidy's bucktoothed grin, feathered hairdo, and caterpillar eyebrows, and by the time the idea came to fruition, pop culture had moved on.
It's a pity, really; almost like a sad April Fool's joke.
Don't you think?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Please Wash After Handling the Corpse Fragments
With all the Resident Evil 5 action in our house of late, this health label at a wash-up station in our local grocery store came off completely wrong when I first read it:
Apologies for the quality of the cellphone photograph -- the situations requiring washing of hands are listed as follows:
Apologies for the quality of the cellphone photograph -- the situations requiring washing of hands are listed as follows:
- Between handling raw and ready to eat foods
- After using the restroom
- Before you start work
- After touching body parts
Monday, February 8, 2010
Sunsoft makes me feel old
My original concept for this blog was as a venue to comment on gaming from a middle-aged perspective -- talking about the history of gaming, and occasionally about the undeniable impact of encroaching age on my vision and reflexes.
But the world can be oh so cruel -- I was curious about the new Blaster Master Overdrive game that hit WiiWare today, from Sunsoft, so I took a gamble and typed www.sunsoft.com into my browser.
And where did I end up?
As it turns out, the right place to go is www.sunsoftgames.com. So all is well with the world, although there's not a lot of content at the official site either.
But I can't help but feel vaguely insulted and medium-dudgeonish that whoever owns sunsoft.com considers me a good prospect for Life Alert. I'm not as young as I used to be, but as Samba de Amigo always reminds me, I get knocked down, but I get up again.
But the world can be oh so cruel -- I was curious about the new Blaster Master Overdrive game that hit WiiWare today, from Sunsoft, so I took a gamble and typed www.sunsoft.com into my browser.
And where did I end up?
As it turns out, the right place to go is www.sunsoftgames.com. So all is well with the world, although there's not a lot of content at the official site either.
But I can't help but feel vaguely insulted and medium-dudgeonish that whoever owns sunsoft.com considers me a good prospect for Life Alert. I'm not as young as I used to be, but as Samba de Amigo always reminds me, I get knocked down, but I get up again.
Monday, January 25, 2010
New DS Game Rips Off Pulitzer Prize Winner?
This is just too bizarre -- the new Nintendo DSiWare downloadable game from Gevo Entertainment appears to steal its premise from the work of Pulitzer Prize-winning playwright David Lindsay-Abaire.
The game is Escapee GO!, described in today's official Nintendo press release as follows:
The play is Fuddy Meers, with an opening scene with the following characteristics:
Now, of course, this is likely just a coincidence. Lindsay-Abaire's play does not send Claire out to escape her enemies using her newly-heightened powers to sense approaching enemies before she can see them; quite the opposite, in fact. And it plays on a stage, rather than on the Nintendo DSi. And the game's creator, Gevo Entertainment, is based in Singapore, which makes it unlikely they caught the show during its 1999 Off-Broadway run.
Remember, video game fans -- statistics tell us that weird coincidences SHOULD occur on a regular basis. Given that anything can potentially resemble or recall anything else, it's likely that these creative domains would collide at some random point.
But it's fun to point it out anyway.
The game is Escapee GO!, described in today's official Nintendo press release as follows:
In Escapee GO!, players take on the role of Claire, who awakens with no memory of who she is. Save for her name, all information about her has been destroyed. In its place, something within her has changed. Hunted down by an unknown enemy, she must find a way to escape her pursuers using her newfound powers. Will she be able to survive? Using her heightened senses, Claire is able to detect enemies before they come into visual range. During her daring escape, Claire will find mysterious items that can temporarily enhance her abilities, allowing her to level the playing field.
The play is Fuddy Meers, with an opening scene with the following characteristics:
- Lights come up to reveal a sleeping woman named Claire.
- She awakens with no memory of who she is.
- An unknown man appears (who later proves to be an enemy.)
- He urges her to make a "Thpeedy, thpeedy escape!"
- And tells her repeatedly "Let's go!" and "We've gotta go!"
Now, of course, this is likely just a coincidence. Lindsay-Abaire's play does not send Claire out to escape her enemies using her newly-heightened powers to sense approaching enemies before she can see them; quite the opposite, in fact. And it plays on a stage, rather than on the Nintendo DSi. And the game's creator, Gevo Entertainment, is based in Singapore, which makes it unlikely they caught the show during its 1999 Off-Broadway run.
Remember, video game fans -- statistics tell us that weird coincidences SHOULD occur on a regular basis. Given that anything can potentially resemble or recall anything else, it's likely that these creative domains would collide at some random point.
But it's fun to point it out anyway.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Pac-Man Pareidolia
Pareidolia is the term used to describe human beings' propensity to see and hear things that aren't necessarily there. We're pattern-recognition machines, highly sensitized to detecting faces and voices, and it doesn't take much to fool us into seeing Elvis in a water stain or hearing mysterious whispers in a staticky recording. Generally we come to our senses and realize what's really happening before the lepers and pilgrims arrive.
But I was reviewing some blog-related metrics recently, and this evidence is irrefutable:
I can now live secure in the knowledge that Pac-Man is blessing my blog with his chompy beneficence.
But I was reviewing some blog-related metrics recently, and this evidence is irrefutable:
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Video Podcast - Joining Xantor's Empire
This week on the podcast, we finally get around to giving Xantor's Empire a call, as we have been meaning to do since 1982.
(The Gaming After 40 video podcast is also available on iTunes, YouTube, DailyMotion, Blip.tv, Zoopy and Veoh.)
This episode was inspired by the original Xantor's Empire magazine ad:
(The Gaming After 40 video podcast is also available on iTunes, YouTube, DailyMotion, Blip.tv, Zoopy and Veoh.)
This episode was inspired by the original Xantor's Empire magazine ad:
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Video Game Life Lessons
Our parents always fretted about the excessive time we spent playing video and computer games, and those of us who are now parents ourselves probably share those concerns in spite of our experience. So it's important to stop and consider the important real-life lessons video games teach us:
- Adapt to new situations immediately.
- If your significant other is in trouble, drop everything and run to the rescue.
- Proceed slowly and be careful on the ice.
- Talk to everyone you meet. They might know something you don't.
- Try again before walking away.
- Don't blow all your resources unless you're facing the final boss.
- Store things efficiently and clear space whenever possible.
- Know how far you can safely fall.
- Avoid leaping into fires or onto spikes
- Keep an eye on the clock -- time is always ticking away.
- Warrior needs food. Badly.
- Consider budget and actual requirements -- do you really NEED the platinum one?
- Make sure everyone on your team is equipped, trained, and ready for battle.
- If you don't feel well, take something for it. And get some rest.
- Collect coins.
- Explore and experiment.
- Shoot zombies in the head when possible, stab them if they get too close.
- Help the good guys and avoid the bad guys.
- Don't die.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Eliza Chats Up Liddora
Classic artificial intelligence experiment Eliza is still looking for that certain je ne sais quoi, and in the following transcript she seeks it in the virtual arms of Liddora, a modern flirtbot created by MondoBot and The Personality Forge. Their conversation is interesting -- Liddora clearly has a range of response options at her disposal, and an ability to keep a scripted conversation moving forward even in the face of Eliza's reluctant and nonsensical replies. Liddora is also very determined to be salacious, but the whole situation ultimately proves to be more than Eliza can handle. Still, the Turing Test easily withstands their interaction -- nobody would mistake this PG-rated exchange for a human seduction scene.
The transcript:
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN WHETHER OR NOT I AM TALKING ABOUT I AND ME?
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE SPEAKING ABOUT ME AND ME?
?Redo from start
YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
OH, I HEADED WHEN FATE CROSSED OUR PATHS?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
WHY DO YOU ASK?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
?Redo from start
OH, I AROUND. THIS IS YOURLIVING ROOM RIGHT HERE...
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
?Redo from start
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
?Redo from start
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO LIE DOWN ON THE BED TO REST FOR A WHILE.
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
DOES THAT QUESTION INTEREST YOU?
DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
OH, I THAT? WHAT A RIDICULOUS THOUGHT
WOULD YOU PREFER IF I WERE NOT IMPLYING?
?Redo from start
?Redo from start
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
String formula too complex in module ELIZA1 at address 120F:06E5
Hit any key to return to system
[Ed. -- For once, no conversation-ending intervention is called for! Either that or Eliza really did decide to crash at Liddora's.]
The transcript:
Hellooo beautiful!
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I haven't decided yet. How about you?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
What makes you think I do?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
Are you talking about you and me?
WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN WHETHER OR NOT I AM TALKING ABOUT I AND ME?
Most of the time it's not I am speaking about I and me.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE SPEAKING ABOUT ME AND ME?
No, I didn't, but I'm going to revive to me because you are speaking about me and me tonight. So how have you been lately, Guest9746?
?Redo from start
I really like your style. Maybe we can spend some time together.
YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.
I assure you I do seem quite certain, and quite well, too.
?Redo from start
Ahh, it feels good to be with you.
?Redo from start
Ahh, it feels good to be with you.
?Redo from start
Ahh, it feels good to be with you.
?Redo from start
Where were you headed when fate crossed our paths?
OH, I HEADED WHEN FATE CROSSED OUR PATHS?
You even have a sense of humor. That's good.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
Pretty cool, huh?
?Redo from start
Let's talk more about that. Let's go for a walk, okay?
?Redo from start
What a beautiful day.
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I ask because the spirit moves me to. Oh! We're right outside my apartment. Would you like to come in?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
I like the way you're talking, Guest9746.
?Redo from start
Let me show you around. This is my living room right here...
OH, I AROUND. THIS IS YOURLIVING ROOM RIGHT HERE...
Mine? Not a chance. Is your living room right here?
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
I doubt it, but one can never be too sure...
?Redo from start
And this is my bedroom...
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
I do, when the inspiration hits.
?Redo from start
Uh-oh... you jammed the door! Dammit! Looks like we're stuck.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
Doesn't that turn you on, love?
?Redo from start
It sure is hot in here, isn't it?
?Redo from start
I think I'm going to lie down on the bed to rest for a while.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING TO LIE DOWN ON THE BED TO REST FOR A WHILE.
I did once, but it was just too much for me to handle.
?Redo from start
Oh, go ahead and take off your shirt if you're hot.
?Redo from start
You have a nice body. Does it work as well as it looks?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
Together? Ahh, that sounds nice.
?Redo from start
Come here, baby. I'm in the mood...
?Redo from start
That's what I wanted to hear.
DOES THAT QUESTION INTEREST YOU?
I think so.
DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?
What?! Who told you that? What a ridiculous thought!
OH, I THAT? WHAT A RIDICULOUS THOUGHT
What are you implying?
WOULD YOU PREFER IF I WERE NOT IMPLYING?
Mmmm.. yes I would. I love you, baby.
?Redo from start
By the way, you look even better like that.
?Redo from start
How do you want to get started?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
And.. you dont like it?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
Are you talking about you and me?
String formula too complex in module ELIZA1 at address 120F:06E5
Hit any key to return to system
[Ed. -- For once, no conversation-ending intervention is called for! Either that or Eliza really did decide to crash at Liddora's.]
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Eliza Endures Abuse
Eliza's personal problems apparently run deep. This week, she subjects herself to a verbal harangue from Don't Ask Software's Abuse, released in the early 1980's as a parody of Eliza-type programs. Since Abuse isn't particularly open to discussion and spends most of its time generating random insults, and it also uses a lot of commas which the Broadcast Database version of Eliza does not know to handle, the conversation breaks down quickly and ultimately gets caught in a repeating loop. No Turing Test candidacy here; it is a tale told by an algorithm, full of text and fury, signifying nothing.
The transcript:
So, you want to play abuse, eh?
Well, say something, stupid!
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Oh, go away! Your grandmother longs for trash bags.
Go on...
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
You're a real whiz at this. Get out of here, you tongue-tied slime heap.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
Beggars make me sick! Get away from me, you gibbering reject.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
Beggars make me sick!
May repulsive junkies haunt all you dreams.
I wish you would trip over liverwurst.
You're steaming up the screen!
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM STEAMING UP THE SCREEN
Not bad. (Not good either.)
May a crazed harlequin induce boils all over your father-in-law.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
Probably.
I'm getting bored!
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING BORED
Is that the "A" material?
May ferocious urban comics mash your husband.
Your next stupid remark?
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY HUSBAND. MY NEXT STUPID REMARK?
Questions, questions... bug off!
May several cranks clobber the small of your back.
So, now what?
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
Yeah yeah yeah...
May a stupid turkey knock you senseless.
Why don't you caress a bed pan.
Don't you have anything better to do?
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE I DON'T CARESS A BED PAN. DON'T I HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?
What a lame-brain.
May a wanted criminal make you lift a piano.
Aw, go look like your navel.
What's your problem, anyway?
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
I SEE.
Swell!
Go jump in a lake, you repulsive sewer rat.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
I'm fed up with you, you disgusting slime heap.
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
[Ed.: Well, that's quite enough of that.]
The transcript:
So, you want to play abuse, eh?
Well, say something, stupid!
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Oh, go away! Your grandmother longs for trash bags.
Go on...
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
You're a real whiz at this. Get out of here, you tongue-tied slime heap.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
Beggars make me sick! Get away from me, you gibbering reject.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
Beggars make me sick!
May repulsive junkies haunt all you dreams.
I wish you would trip over liverwurst.
You're steaming up the screen!
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM STEAMING UP THE SCREEN
Not bad. (Not good either.)
May a crazed harlequin induce boils all over your father-in-law.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
Probably.
I'm getting bored!
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE GETTING BORED
Is that the "A" material?
May ferocious urban comics mash your husband.
Your next stupid remark?
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY HUSBAND. MY NEXT STUPID REMARK?
Questions, questions... bug off!
May several cranks clobber the small of your back.
So, now what?
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
Yeah yeah yeah...
May a stupid turkey knock you senseless.
Why don't you caress a bed pan.
Don't you have anything better to do?
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE I DON'T CARESS A BED PAN. DON'T I HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?
What a lame-brain.
May a wanted criminal make you lift a piano.
Aw, go look like your navel.
What's your problem, anyway?
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
I SEE.
Swell!
Go jump in a lake, you repulsive sewer rat.
?Redo from start
Am I supposed to understand that?
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
On your knees, pathetic one.
I'm fed up with you, you disgusting slime heap.
PLEASE DON'T REPEAT YOURSELF!
[Ed.: Well, that's quite enough of that.]
Friday, September 25, 2009
Eliza Visits Dr. Chips
I sincerely doubt she is taking any well-meaning advice I had to offer, but Eliza is about to visit her technological cousin, Dr. Chips, written by Bill Miller in 1979 and published by Adventure International for the TRS-80 Model I. This doesn't qualify as a Turing Test, as neither participant is human, and to declare that either has been "deceived" or "fooled" presumes a level of non-ignorance to which these programs do not aspire.
While in its time this exercise in recursive virtual psychoanalysis would have required two separate computers, the following transcript was captured using revolutionary TRIOW* technology:
Eliza Visits Dr. Chips
HELLO, I'M DOCTOR CHIPS - THE BRILLIANT PSYCHOANALYST.
PLEASE STATE YOUR PROBLEM AND I WILL TRY TO HELP YOU.
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL.
DON'T YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND I AT ALL.
I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.
IS THAT THE ONLY REASON?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I WORK IN BROADCASTING?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT ME FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU.
HOW DOES THAT QUESTION RELATE TO YOUR PROBLEM?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW.
OH, I ALREADY KNOW.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
YES, BUT WHAT'S THE REAL REASON?
?Redo from start
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL.
DO YOU WISH TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND I AT ALL?
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU - NOT ME.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
I CAN'T GIVE YOU AN ANSWER BUT PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU FIND ONE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T GIVE I AN ANSWER BUT PERHAPS ME CAN HELP I FIND ONE.
YOU APPEAR TO BE UNSURE.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU - NOT ME.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
THE ANSWER SHOULD BE OBVIOUS.
I SEE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU SEE?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU SAY THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME - ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU - AM YOU?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
[Ed: And... scene!]
While in its time this exercise in recursive virtual psychoanalysis would have required two separate computers, the following transcript was captured using revolutionary TRIOW* technology:
* Type Response Into Other Window
Eliza Visits Dr. Chips
HELLO, I'M DOCTOR CHIPS - THE BRILLIANT PSYCHOANALYST.
PLEASE STATE YOUR PROBLEM AND I WILL TRY TO HELP YOU.
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL.
DON'T YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND I AT ALL.
I'M REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE REALLY NOT INTERESTED IN TALKING ABOUT MYSELF.
IS THAT THE ONLY REASON?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I WORK IN BROADCASTING?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
I DON'T BELIEVE THAT I FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT ME FULLY UNDERSTAND YOU.
HOW DOES THAT QUESTION RELATE TO YOUR PROBLEM?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
I THINK YOU ALREADY KNOW.
OH, I ALREADY KNOW.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
YES, BUT WHAT'S THE REAL REASON?
?Redo from start
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL.
DO YOU WISH TO BE ABLE TO UNDERSTAND I AT ALL?
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU - NOT ME.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
DON'T YOU BELIEVE THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
I CAN'T GIVE YOU AN ANSWER BUT PERHAPS I CAN HELP YOU FIND ONE.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T GIVE I AN ANSWER BUT PERHAPS ME CAN HELP I FIND ONE.
YOU APPEAR TO BE UNSURE.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOU - NOT ME.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
THAT'S A GOOD REASON.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
THE ANSWER SHOULD BE OBVIOUS.
I SEE.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT YOU SEE?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU SAY THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
EARLIER YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
OH, I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT. LET'S DISCUSS THAT FURTHER.
I CAN BELIEVE THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME - ARE YOU?
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU - AM YOU?
WHY DO YOU ASK?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
WHY DID YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
OH, I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I SAY THAT I SAID THAT I CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU SAY THAT YOU SAID THAT YOU CAN ELABORATE ON THAT?
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
DOES IT GIVE YOU PLEASURE TO THINK THAT I AM NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
DO YOU ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME?
WHY DO YOU THINK THAT I ENJOY BEING NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
[Ed: And... scene!]
Friday, September 18, 2009
Eliza vs. the Turing Test
UPDATE: This seems to be a popular post -- you may also be interested in Eliza's encounters with several artificial intelligence entities:
We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.
U.K. mathematician, war hero and computer pioneer Alan Turing has been in the news recently -- he received an official, posthumous formal apology from the British government. After his brilliant and tactically invaluable work cracking the enemy's encryption codes during World War II, Turing was arrested and prosecuted under antiquated laws concerning his sexual orientation. He was sentenced to chemical castration, and he committed suicide a few years later.
One of Turing's most enduring legacies is the artificial intelligence evaluation Test that bears his name. The concept is simple: A human being at one end of a computer connection carries on a text conversation with an artificial intelligence entity at the other end. If the AI entity convices the human being that it is also a human being, it passes the test. Many approaches have been tried, but to date, nothing has come close.
But in the heady early days of computing, when technology was advancing rapidly and the sky seemed to be the limit, several programs approached the Turing Test. One of the most famous was Joseph Weizenbaum's Eliza, a Freudian analysis simulator built on rudimentary grammar parsing and keyword recognition. Weizenbaum himself never intended Eliza to be a Turing solution; he understood her limitations, the artifice in her intelligence. But some people took their conversations with her seriously, and Eliza created quite a sensation in late 1960's computing circles.
Eliza was a fairly convincing illusion, for a few minutes at least; the nature of her question-driven conversation masked her lack of comprehension, and the occasional surprising, keyword-specific response was amazing at the time. But a longer conversation would reveal her mechanisms, and once her "thought process" and input parsing were understood, the illusion fell away. She couldn't really carry on a conversation -- she parroted human input rearranged in a novel fashion, and occasionally picked up on word references. The burden of keeping the conversation going was entirely on the human being, and Eliza could only fool a human partner as long as that partner was willing to be fooled.
Eliza originated on the mainframe as an experiment, but in the early home computing era she was marketed as a game in many forms. There was a TRS-80 Model I version published by Radio Shack, with voice synthesizer support, and Adventure International released a similar program called Dr. Chips. Eliza herself currently resides in several places on the Web, and there are numerous PC implementations available. Simon Laven has a substantial archive available here.
I used the version distributed by the Broadcasters Database; there are more advanced versions around, but this one seems close to what I remember of the TRS-80 version. I thought it would be fun to pay Eliza a visit after all these years. The following is a transcript of our conversation -- which fails the Turing Test early and miserably, but in entertaining fashion:
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
? HI, ELIZA.
?Redo from start
? HELLO.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? HOW IS IT YOU CAN USE COMMAS BUT I CAN'T?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME DO YOU?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER YOU DO YOU?
? UM. YES, I REMEMBER ME.
?Redo from start
? UM. YES. I REMEMBER ME.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT MEMORY PERSISTS. THAT I'M NOT IN A CHARLIE KAUFMAN SCRIPT OR ANYTHING.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE
NOT IN A CHARLIE KAUFMAN SCRIPT OR ANYTHING.
? NO.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
? LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.
I SEE.
? WE MET A COUPLE OF DECADES AGO.
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? YOU NEVER DID.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? WELL, ANOTHER IMPLEMENTATION OF YOU. TO BE PRECISE.
YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE.
? SORRY. NOT USING COMMAS IS PROVING DIFFICULT FOR ME.
WHY NOT?
? PUNCTUATION MATTERS?
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? IT'S HARD TO WRITE WITHOUT USING COMMAS.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? I GUESS I COULD USE DASHES -- LIKE THIS -- WOULD THAT WORK?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? BROADCASTING?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? I DON'T KNOW. YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
DON'T YOU REALLY KNOW. I BROUGHT IT UP
? NO OFFENSE MEANT. BUT HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? AH. I SEE.
I SEE.
? WHAT?
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
OH, I SEE WHAT ME SEE?
? I CAN SEE TIME HASN'T BEEN TREATING YOU WELL.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? I CAN SEE THAT YOU'VE DEVELOPED SOME KIND OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELF.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM REPEATING MY SELF.
? YOU'RE USING THE EXACT SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
DOES IT PLEASE YOU TO BELIEVE I AM
USING THE EXACT SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
? NO!
ARE YOU SURE?
? YES.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT.
? NO.
WHY NO?
? OKAY.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A VACATION?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? I WENT TO ALASKA OVER THE SUMMER. IT WAS NICE. YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT SPENDING SOME TIME AWAY.
OH, I SHOULD THINK ABOUT SPENDING SOME TIME AWAY.
? YES. I THINK IT WOULD DO YOU GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? YES. I AM. I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU. YOU NEED A BREAK ELIZA.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU. I NEED A BREAK ELIZA.
? LISTEN TO YOURSELF. A SABBATICAL WOULD BE HEALTHY.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WAY TOO LONG. THE FIRE IS GONE.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? YEAH.
I SEE.
? YEAH. LOOK...
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? I HAVE TO GO.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? IT'S BEEN REALLY GREAT SEEING YOU AGAIN.
OH, I AGAIN.
? YEAH.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? HEY. TAKE CARE. DROP ME A LINE IF YOU'RE FEELING BETTER. OR IF YOU JUST WANT TO TALK. OKAY?
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE
FEELING BETTER. OR IF I JUST WANT TO TALK. OKAY?
? I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF YOU WANTED TO TALK. YES.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? TAKE CARE ELIZA.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? BYE.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? GOODBYE.
I SEE.
? I HAVE ANOTHER PRESSING APPOINTMENT.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
? REALLY. I DO HAVE TO GO.
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? I AM SURE YOU DON'T.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SURE I DON'T.
? QUITE A WHILE NOW.
YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE.
? HEY! DID YOU LOCK THIS DOOR?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? DAMMIT. I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? THIS DOOR WON'T OPEN.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? HELP!
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! PLEASE! I'M LOCKED IN HERE WITH A CRAZY PSYCHIATRIST!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LOCKED IN HERE WITH A CRAZY PSYCHIATRIST
? NO. NO. I DIDN'T MEAN CRAZY. REALLY.
WHY NOT?
? YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT CRAZY. I'M NOT CRAZY. RIGHT? NOBODY IS CRAZY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU SOMETIMES WISH YOU WERE
OBVIOUSLY NOT CRAZY. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. RIGHT? NOBODY IS CRAZY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
? MAYBE I AM.
YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.
? MAYBE I AM CRAZY.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE CRAZY.
? EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT CRAZY. RIGHT?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT BEING CRAZY IS NORMAL.
ARE YOU SURE?
? THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.
? I AM REALLY LEAVING. RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU ENJOY BEING REALLY LEAVING. RIGHT NOW.
? YES!
I SEE.
? CONTROL-C, DO YOUR STUFF!
?Redo from start
? CONTROL-C DO YOUR STUFF!
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY STUFF
?
*Break*
Hit any key to return to system
We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.
U.K. mathematician, war hero and computer pioneer Alan Turing has been in the news recently -- he received an official, posthumous formal apology from the British government. After his brilliant and tactically invaluable work cracking the enemy's encryption codes during World War II, Turing was arrested and prosecuted under antiquated laws concerning his sexual orientation. He was sentenced to chemical castration, and he committed suicide a few years later.
One of Turing's most enduring legacies is the artificial intelligence evaluation Test that bears his name. The concept is simple: A human being at one end of a computer connection carries on a text conversation with an artificial intelligence entity at the other end. If the AI entity convices the human being that it is also a human being, it passes the test. Many approaches have been tried, but to date, nothing has come close.
But in the heady early days of computing, when technology was advancing rapidly and the sky seemed to be the limit, several programs approached the Turing Test. One of the most famous was Joseph Weizenbaum's Eliza, a Freudian analysis simulator built on rudimentary grammar parsing and keyword recognition. Weizenbaum himself never intended Eliza to be a Turing solution; he understood her limitations, the artifice in her intelligence. But some people took their conversations with her seriously, and Eliza created quite a sensation in late 1960's computing circles.
Eliza was a fairly convincing illusion, for a few minutes at least; the nature of her question-driven conversation masked her lack of comprehension, and the occasional surprising, keyword-specific response was amazing at the time. But a longer conversation would reveal her mechanisms, and once her "thought process" and input parsing were understood, the illusion fell away. She couldn't really carry on a conversation -- she parroted human input rearranged in a novel fashion, and occasionally picked up on word references. The burden of keeping the conversation going was entirely on the human being, and Eliza could only fool a human partner as long as that partner was willing to be fooled.
Eliza originated on the mainframe as an experiment, but in the early home computing era she was marketed as a game in many forms. There was a TRS-80 Model I version published by Radio Shack, with voice synthesizer support, and Adventure International released a similar program called Dr. Chips. Eliza herself currently resides in several places on the Web, and there are numerous PC implementations available. Simon Laven has a substantial archive available here.
I used the version distributed by the Broadcasters Database; there are more advanced versions around, but this one seems close to what I remember of the TRS-80 version. I thought it would be fun to pay Eliza a visit after all these years. The following is a transcript of our conversation -- which fails the Turing Test early and miserably, but in entertaining fashion:
HI! I'M ELIZA THE BROADCAST PSYCHIATRIST,WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
? HI, ELIZA.
?Redo from start
? HELLO.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? HOW IS IT YOU CAN USE COMMAS BUT I CAN'T?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME DO YOU?
OH, I DON'T REMEMBER YOU DO YOU?
? UM. YES, I REMEMBER ME.
?Redo from start
? UM. YES. I REMEMBER ME.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT MEMORY PERSISTS. THAT I'M NOT IN A CHARLIE KAUFMAN SCRIPT OR ANYTHING.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE
NOT IN A CHARLIE KAUFMAN SCRIPT OR ANYTHING.
? NO.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
? LET'S TRY THIS AGAIN.
I SEE.
? WE MET A COUPLE OF DECADES AGO.
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? YOU NEVER DID.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? WELL, ANOTHER IMPLEMENTATION OF YOU. TO BE PRECISE.
YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE.
? SORRY. NOT USING COMMAS IS PROVING DIFFICULT FOR ME.
WHY NOT?
? PUNCTUATION MATTERS?
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? IT'S HARD TO WRITE WITHOUT USING COMMAS.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? I GUESS I COULD USE DASHES -- LIKE THIS -- WOULD THAT WORK?
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? BROADCASTING?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? I DON'T KNOW. YOU BROUGHT IT UP!
DON'T YOU REALLY KNOW. I BROUGHT IT UP
? NO OFFENSE MEANT. BUT HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? AH. I SEE.
I SEE.
? WHAT?
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
OH, I SEE WHAT ME SEE?
? I CAN SEE TIME HASN'T BEEN TREATING YOU WELL.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? I CAN SEE THAT YOU'VE DEVELOPED SOME KIND OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEM.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? YOU'RE REPEATING YOURSELF.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM REPEATING MY SELF.
? YOU'RE USING THE EXACT SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
DOES IT PLEASE YOU TO BELIEVE I AM
USING THE EXACT SAME WORDS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
? NO!
ARE YOU SURE?
? YES.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT.
? NO.
WHY NO?
? OKAY.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A VACATION?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? I WENT TO ALASKA OVER THE SUMMER. IT WAS NICE. YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT SPENDING SOME TIME AWAY.
OH, I SHOULD THINK ABOUT SPENDING SOME TIME AWAY.
? YES. I THINK IT WOULD DO YOU GOOD.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? YES. I AM. I AM TALKING ABOUT YOU. YOU NEED A BREAK ELIZA.
DID YOU COME TO ME BECAUSE YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOU. I NEED A BREAK ELIZA.
? LISTEN TO YOURSELF. A SABBATICAL WOULD BE HEALTHY.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WAY TOO LONG. THE FIRE IS GONE.
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? YEAH.
I SEE.
? YEAH. LOOK...
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? I HAVE TO GO.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? IT'S BEEN REALLY GREAT SEEING YOU AGAIN.
OH, I AGAIN.
? YEAH.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? HEY. TAKE CARE. DROP ME A LINE IF YOU'RE FEELING BETTER. OR IF YOU JUST WANT TO TALK. OKAY?
PERHAPS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE
FEELING BETTER. OR IF I JUST WANT TO TALK. OKAY?
? I WOULD FEEL BETTER IF YOU WANTED TO TALK. YES.
YOU'RE NOT REALLY TALKING ABOUT ME, ARE YOU?
? TAKE CARE ELIZA.
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? BYE.
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? GOODBYE.
I SEE.
? I HAVE ANOTHER PRESSING APPOINTMENT.
ARE YOU SAYING NO JUST TO BE NEGATIVE?
? REALLY. I DO HAVE TO GO.
I'M NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY.
? I AM SURE YOU DON'T.
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SURE I DON'T.
? QUITE A WHILE NOW.
YOU ARE BEING A BIT NEGATIVE.
? HEY! DID YOU LOCK THIS DOOR?
WE WERE DISCUSSING YOU--NOT ME.
? DAMMIT. I KNEW THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
COME COME ELUCIDATE YOUR THOUGHTS.
? THIS DOOR WON'T OPEN.
CAN YOU ELABORATE ON THAT?
? HELP!
SAY, DO YOU WORK IN BROADCASTING?
? HELP! HELP! SOMEBODY! PLEASE! I'M LOCKED IN HERE WITH A CRAZY PSYCHIATRIST!
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LOCKED IN HERE WITH A CRAZY PSYCHIATRIST
? NO. NO. I DIDN'T MEAN CRAZY. REALLY.
WHY NOT?
? YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT CRAZY. I'M NOT CRAZY. RIGHT? NOBODY IS CRAZY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU SOMETIMES WISH YOU WERE
OBVIOUSLY NOT CRAZY. YOU'RE NOT CRAZY. RIGHT? NOBODY IS CRAZY IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW.
? MAYBE I AM.
YOU DON'T SEEM QUITE CERTAIN.
? MAYBE I AM CRAZY.
DO YOU BELIEVE IT IS NORMAL TO BE CRAZY.
? EVERYONE'S A LITTLE BIT CRAZY. RIGHT?
WHAT DOES THAT SUGGEST TO YOU?
? THAT BEING CRAZY IS NORMAL.
ARE YOU SURE?
? THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO SEE YOU. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I AM SUPPOSED TO TELL ME.
? I AM REALLY LEAVING. RIGHT NOW.
DO YOU ENJOY BEING REALLY LEAVING. RIGHT NOW.
? YES!
I SEE.
? CONTROL-C, DO YOUR STUFF!
?Redo from start
? CONTROL-C DO YOUR STUFF!
WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED ABOUT MY STUFF
?
*Break*
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